Accident or Coincidence, or Spiritual Attack?
Is it accident or coincidence, that on the day that I published my God honoring poem, from my heart, called "Old Couples," that I wanted to leave my marriage, and throw in the towel and call it over, done, and history? I wanted out.
I wanted OUT
But I had (have) one teen at home. Three more years of high-school we have left. And though she is fabulously grounded, glory be to God, I know enough to know that parents "splitting up," or discord at home can still have great negative effect on even teens or young adults. I love my daughter more than anything on earth. I hated the idea or hurting her, or making her life more difficult because of my own (or my marriage's) weaknesses, flaws, or failures.
But I wanted out and done so badly. 9 years ago, we were separated for an extended period of time, and expecting divorce. You can read a post about that, HERE, and by the way, why do I dare to air some of my dirty laundry? Just to be REAL, and give God glory.
|We actually had a fair day of hiking, as family outing, just a few days before I lost it and was ready to leave it all.|
I am not fake. I am far from perfect. Some days I feel like I have it more together than others. Some days (like recently) I feel like an absolute failure.
When I feel like a failure, what do I do? I guess anytime that I am in stress mode, I tend to withdraw, isolate, and I do SILENT treatment a lot, especially if others are around, because if I speak, I will BLOW UP. Can't do that with the kids around, my thinking. And I do other things as well, like cry, pray, get in super creative mode maybe, and text or talk to my girlfriends. This time, at home, I quit washing dishes for my family and I made my granddaughter a play space outside. Am working on a post to share that, and will link HERE.
|Her outdoor play place is not finished, but there will be a "water wall," a "mud kitchen," and some ABC manipulatives...|
Wisdom from Bible-study
So I am BLOGGING THROUGH THE BIBLE. We are doing Old Testament now. I knew before I started this BTTB project, that God rewards obedience and humility, and His protection and blessing may be lifted in correlation to disobedience or dishonoring God. At least that is a re-occurring theme in the Old Testament.
So that is another thing that weighed on me, when I WANTED OUT of my marriage. Notice I am not telling why. The WHY pales in significance in comparison to other issues here.
I, Me, Myself,
I know that I, ME, MYSELF, should not be the central focus here. I am not called to lead a selfish life. I am called to serve my Father in Heaven, through my standing in Christ Jesus.
I pass no judgement on others for divorce. When my husband and I were in our late 20s and met each other, we were each divorced. But we have kids together. We have a grandchild. We have made it through the toughest stuff. Can't we continue NOW to not only stay together but to have hope for the future?
Just like 9 years ago when we were separated, my flesh cries NO. But the Holy Spirit in me has urged me not to walk away just yet.
I have a plan.
I will share it with you, every step. Pass or fail, I am not finished trying. By God in me, I will try harder, longer.
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AGAIN, why do I share? I have no greater reason other than I want to TELL ALL that will maybe encourage someone, or bring my father glory. We know that He desires for people's marriage's to endure, and in fact thrive, because He despises divorce for the broken-ness that often results and the pain, heart-ache, rebellion that ripples outward, not to mention the pride and hard hearted-ness that often is central.
What Motivates Me?
Now if my love and faithfulness to my Heavenly Father is not enough to keep my trying, here is another thing that bounces in my mind. I know that some Christians think that these Old Testament themes may not apply in modern times, but... all I can say is, "I have a healthy fear and respect for God, and fierce LOVE for my children, and I don't want to take any chances."
The Old Testament theme that motivates me is that when people MESSED up before God, often there seemed to follow prophecy of doom and gloom not only upon the person that let God down, but also upon his family or his children. You see if I am not motivated out of pure and innocent, beautiful love for my Father, I surely am motivated even more out of love for my children.
I want to live humbly and rightly before my Father not only because He is worthy of all praise and glory and allegiance from me but also because I want my children to be blessed because of me, and never to suffer because of me.
Would you like to go along with us in our journeying through the Bible? My blogging sister Angela has been building this FANTASTIC reference source that can connect you with our every BTTB post.
If you want to be updated on the implementation of my plan to save my marriage, subscribe by entering your e-mail address to Grandma Mary Martha.
To Him be the glory! Sometimes when the sunshine seems to be hiding, we have to lean in closer to the Sonshine, knowing the storm clouds will pass.
OK, I have to go wash dishes now, and work on my plan...