Tuesday, August 22, 2017

The Stain is on My Hands

approx. 4 minute read

The stain was on my hands.  The fruit has been mostly delicious, but not quite perfect.  The stain, in truth, has been washed away by the blood of Jesus, but we still have the memories.

My  grown-up son said he didn't like to hike with us (his dad and me)  when he was growing up because all we did was fuss.............  Before that, on other days, he made comments to the effect of himself  being shocked that his dad and I ever, "got together," (because we fussed so much).

Too late to do over those parts now.  

How did it happen?  How did I try so very hard to make his family, our family, my family here, so precious and special, and earn those comments from him?

Well sometimes the "fussing," was me defending my son from impatient reactions from a stressed father.  I "fussed" to try and teach my husband what was normal toddler crankiness, and to protect my son.  I also "fussed," trying to make other things perfect................... like you should KNOW that when I ask you to get ice-cream for the root-beer floats (southern U.S.A. thing maybe)  for our son's COWBOY party of course I mean VANILLA, and, "How could you have bought COOKIES-N-CREAM?"
And, "How is it fair that you are the one that uses ice in drinks most often, but you NEVER fill the ice-trays with water......"
And, "What? It's my day off and you expect me to give YOU, who I live with and see all the time, my top priority in time?"

I really just wanted a good life for us all, and sometimes I "fussed" over stupid stuff.  Somethings were valid topics.  Sometimes my position was valid and worthy. Most fusses were stupid, and on most issues I should have kept my mouth shut.

Thank God, over the YEARS my husband grew in patience, and we both grew in wisdom.

I seem to be continuing the generational trend  of my linage to get better as I get older, even in my marriage.  I am really sorry that I was not better..... that my son would make comments about how his family was filled with peace and love.

All things are relative.  Poor guy.  Maybe he remembers the "fusses" so much because they contrasted so greatly, with the general love, peace, and stability that he benefited from generally.  I hope so, but never-mind........... it doesn't change what he said,  and how he feels or remembers. I believe in being respectful of our children's opinions and feelings.

I try to console myself.   Doesn't it mean that I did something right, the fact that he made good grades in school, was well behaved in school, and is doing well in university, and that he smiles, and likes to visit??   Oh, and by God's grace we did not divorce.  His parents are still together and after 11 years of fussing over stupid stuff, a 9 month separation, and 8 years of more practice,  WE ARE BETTER NOW, and still together !!   

This is the challenge of the empty nest phase.  
Job is largely done.  Time to live with the results or the evaluations.

When he makes those comments, I don't argue.  What would it profit?  I usually pat his back, rub his back and apologize.  (Hey maybe that's why he says such things?😏 ) 

Hopefully you can look back and feel proud and grateful for your accomplishment in raising your child or children.

I still have one at home.  She naturally reflects differently on her home of origin.

I suppose it is all part of the human journey.

Young mothers, be careful.  Our time with our children under our roof is rather fleeting.

Hopefully we will have more years to make good memories,  LOVE them and SUPPORT them with encouragement and gentle guidance.  All of the time is priceless and precious.  Please don't fuss over stupid stuff. I am hopeful that my grandchildren will see less of that, and if my son and daughter-in-law, or my daughter and future son-in-law, do better than my husband and I in our marriage, "Praise GOD!!  Thank you Father ♡♡♡!"

Isaiah 30:15
...in quietness and confidence shall you be your strength

I desire that God would use my mistakes and vulnerability here, to spread SONSHINE.  May wisdom and truth light your path.  Blessings in Christ,

Tammy @
Grandma Mary Martha 💖

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  1. Who doesn't look back and wish some things had been different? I'm sure your humility now speaks loudly to your son. Congratulations on sticking things out in your marriage and making it work. I watched my parents struggle a lot when I was young. Last Sat they celebrated 56 years together. I'm proud of them for making it through now - I get how hard marriage can be. Your example will speak volumes as your son ages.

    1. Truly Lori, thank you for sharing a bit of the journey with me, and being an encouragement.

  2. Preserving your marriage even it isn't the best in somebody else's eyes is the PERFECT GIFT of parents to their children. It must have been tough battle BUT through God's grace and the fruit of the Spirit that lives in you and your husband, you still continue to CHOOSE LOVE even IF YOU DO HAVE A CHANCE TO TAKE ANOTHER OPTION (divorce). You still continue to bless your children and other people through your marriage. I pray that your son will SEE how blessed he is to have a mother and father who strive harder than ever to honor God in your marriage by CHOOSING to forgive and forget. I see no mistakes and vulnerability in this story, what I CHOOSE to see is the love between couples and love of parents to their children, and love of God to your family as you abide in His command to reestablish your family. I keep on saying the word CHOOSE in here because this is the keyword I see here: You can choose the twisted path in your marriage, in your parenting BUT you CHOOSE the one that God has given to you. You are such a wonderful woman and no amount of disappointing remarks can take that away from you. LOVE YOU!

    1. Kate thank you for reading, and uplifting me with your words and your love. Our friendship is a blessing in my life.

  3. "Don't fuss over the stupid stuff!" Definitely wise words that we can all learn from. How much time is wasted on the stupid stuff. Sad but true. Thank you for the reminder.

  4. I also look back and wish I had done somethings differently but I am learning to move on. You can make the experience for grandchildren better and they will better memories. I will remember not to fuss cause I am a 'fusser'.

    1. YES!! I totally believe we should be LEARNING in life, and if looking to God for growth, we should be BETTER by the time we are grandparents. That is a big responsibility too. We still must earn respect by God shining through us in love and service and wisdom.....not because we demand it (respect) or think it is logical. Thanks for reading and commenting Jakline!!

  5. Ah, Tammy, I'm floored by your frankness! This is so helpful to mothers and fathers, young and old. Thank you for sharing with such love and openness. ❤️

    1. Thank you Edith. I want to do better, and I want to help others to do better. We are so limited in the flesh, but by the Holy Spirit we may hope for increased wisdom.......